I’m not feeling particularly motivated today. I’ve started to worry about where my sense of commitment will come from when the #FindYourFlow program ends on the thirtieth. Will I keep going? Will I convince myself that continuing doesn’t really matter when nobody’s looking? I have benefited so much from the group through the support and inspiration they offer, but most importantly, the accountability the group provides.
I am in the middle of another flare-up…the second one in less than a month after being free from them for nearly nine months. I am frustrated, hopeless, left once again not knowing what to do. It is strange when some unknown thing ravages your body unpredictably. I want to give up…crawl into bed and never get out…white flag waving. But I keep getting up, keep trying the next thing in case it is the answer, keep going and going. I think it’s time to get in touch with that part of myself that gets up despite everything telling her to stay down. Who is she? Where does she get her courage? Her tenacity? Her hope?
Despite my not feeling well, I still felt the importance of continuing with the daily practice. When I returned from vacation yesterday, my three rose bushes were ravaged by thousands of beetles. The roses bring me so much joy, and I could not ignore the similarities between their plight and my own. I have given them tender loving care, cutting back the parts that were no longer serving them, and I know soon enough they will spring back to life and bloom once again. My watercolor today symbolizes their fight for life, their beauty, despite the circumstances.